oh the loveliness...
So I have lost about 100 pounds.... which is amazing! It has been a struggle at times and has been beautiful too. It has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, mainly because food is my drug of choice. No one chooses to be over weight, huge, obese, fat, or any other term you would like to call us, because honestly if it was that easy to lose weight, everyone would be thin or healthy and there would be no tears shed. After my father died when I was 13 that's when my food addiction began.
Yes I said it..... addicted!
"People who are addicted to food tend to display many of the characteristics of addicts and alcoholics. Food addicts develop a physical, mental, emotional craving and chemical addiction to food."
Ever since my food addiction began life has been hard. I have always known that i needed to lose the weight simply because being humongous is extremely unhealthy. Not to mention that everything hurts.... from your back to your knees and your feet. It's HORRIBLE!! My feet were always swollen and i was humiliated to go outside, then one day I looked in the mirror and could not believe how huge I had actually gotten. I think one reason I just didnt pay attention was because food put me in a trance when I would eat. It would put me in a different place just like alcohol or drugs would do for someone else. My endorphins would kick in like no other!! So the cycle would continue.... i would feel sad, depressed, anxious, or stressed.... so I would eat to sooth the feelings but then feel horrible afterwards because of what I had just done. The main feelings above all??
Guilt came from feeling like shit.... one of the worst feelings. Fear is almost just as bad to me, I would fear what the future would bring if I kept up what i was doing, how early I would die, how I would let people down, how embarrassed I would be when I would have to tell my mom that I needed new clothes because I got too big for the ones I already had. There are so many more that go into that that I cant even name them all. Another thing is being humiliated walking out in public. I was never made fun of thank god, but still that fear was always in the back of my head. Once I started my nanny job I was able to walk outside in public and go for my walk.... why? because it looked like I was trying to lose my baby weight. So whenever I would go walking people would always have a huge smile on their face when they would see me walk by.... that made me feel so good!!
that's when I learned to.....
When I would walk around with a smile on my face it was contagious, people all around me that i would see wouldn't bother me because when I would put a smile on my face and have good music on nothing really mattered anymore, and plus I would see others smiling too which was a joy. Now that's just the beginning.... when I was at my top weight of humongous.
The battle? Realizing that it was going to take a long time for me to lose all of my weight, and also realize that.....
There are no secret tip, tricks, or shortcuts... At All!!
Realizing that was probably one of the hardest things of all because I wanted to take the weight off now! It would;nt come off as quick as I wanted.... ever. So I just had to accept the fact that this is a journey that needs to be done the right way, and what is the right way? A good diet and working my ass off
for a really long time.
What's funny is that this time has actually gone by really fast. It has been over a year and time flew and I'm 100 pounds lighter. I couldn't believe it! When I first started I would have never thought that I would have made it to this point. I have always dreamed that I would make it to a healthy weight and be able to do all those fun things that I have always wanted to do.Well now I almost can, I am one step closer to being able to go hiking in the mountains and go rock climbing.
What pulled me through??
My Strength
There was no such thing as willpower in my book, I guess I really left it up to God and put my mind in the right place. Mind you, I am not the religious type at all, but I needed something to give my problem to because I certainly couldn't give it to anyone else. So my quote I used to say over and over and over again....
progress not perfect is probably one of the most important things that I needed to learn. It's so hard to realize that not everyday is going to be perfect. You will have days and maybe sometimes weeks where you fuck up.... and sometimes fuck up royally, but here i am. I have done the fuck up, and the bad ones too. I have had my days where I have binged so much i thought I was going to puke up all of my guts. But what was different about these binges compared to the last? I made sure that I didn't beat myself up over it and start back on track the next day.
Truth:
one binge won't hurt you
you figure, there are going to be those days where you're depressed, angry, sad, excited, anxious, needy, lonely, heart broken..... it's those days when you need to remember "It's progress, not perfect" If you can have that one day where you binges and didn't beat yourself up about it afterwards but in the past you used to, that's progress. Its a long, slow, tedious, a lot of the time reallllllly annoying process. There are going to be days that you don't want to workout, there are going to be days when you want that cake, there are going to be days where you feel like you cant take it anymore so go and run for the fast food..... but remember there will be that one day where you won't need all that stuff or frankly want it for that matter.
Right now what's going on with me is I am going through a break up..... divorce actually. My ex and I had completely different ideas of what a marriage should be and I had to leave. So I am having a very hard time dealing with this, but I am taking it one day at a time. I have had my binges, today actually, but I'm not going to let that get me down, I am going to be right back on track tomorrow. So even with this horrible feeling in my heart, I still need to do what's best for myself and that's being healthy, and not fill my body with toxins and chemicals.
I am so grateful for where I am today even though I had to go through what I went through to be where I am right now. I may not have many friends but I have an amazing mother who sticks by my side through it all. I will reach my ultimate goal weight, I have about 60 more pounds to go. I have lost 100 so I can definitely do another 60. Another thing that I had to realize, was why I was doing it in the first place. I can promise you that if you lose weight for the wrong reason, you will gain it all back and plus some. I always used to think that it was bullshit but its not. It wasn't until I realized that I am an important person, and the last thing that I am going to do is put my health at risk because of someone else. I am not losing weight to be "hot" or to get a boyfriend. All that comes as a bonus. I am doing this to better myself and feel good. To be able to run around and not be in pain or feel humiliated.
I now have an appreciation for each and everyday that I am here taking a breath.
Guilt came from feeling like shit.... one of the worst feelings. Fear is almost just as bad to me, I would fear what the future would bring if I kept up what i was doing, how early I would die, how I would let people down, how embarrassed I would be when I would have to tell my mom that I needed new clothes because I got too big for the ones I already had. There are so many more that go into that that I cant even name them all. Another thing is being humiliated walking out in public. I was never made fun of thank god, but still that fear was always in the back of my head. Once I started my nanny job I was able to walk outside in public and go for my walk.... why? because it looked like I was trying to lose my baby weight. So whenever I would go walking people would always have a huge smile on their face when they would see me walk by.... that made me feel so good!!
that's when I learned to.....
When I would walk around with a smile on my face it was contagious, people all around me that i would see wouldn't bother me because when I would put a smile on my face and have good music on nothing really mattered anymore, and plus I would see others smiling too which was a joy. Now that's just the beginning.... when I was at my top weight of humongous.
The battle? Realizing that it was going to take a long time for me to lose all of my weight, and also realize that.....
There are no secret tip, tricks, or shortcuts... At All!!
Realizing that was probably one of the hardest things of all because I wanted to take the weight off now! It would;nt come off as quick as I wanted.... ever. So I just had to accept the fact that this is a journey that needs to be done the right way, and what is the right way? A good diet and working my ass off
for a really long time.
What's funny is that this time has actually gone by really fast. It has been over a year and time flew and I'm 100 pounds lighter. I couldn't believe it! When I first started I would have never thought that I would have made it to this point. I have always dreamed that I would make it to a healthy weight and be able to do all those fun things that I have always wanted to do.Well now I almost can, I am one step closer to being able to go hiking in the mountains and go rock climbing.
What pulled me through??
My Strength
There was no such thing as willpower in my book, I guess I really left it up to God and put my mind in the right place. Mind you, I am not the religious type at all, but I needed something to give my problem to because I certainly couldn't give it to anyone else. So my quote I used to say over and over and over again....
progress not perfect is probably one of the most important things that I needed to learn. It's so hard to realize that not everyday is going to be perfect. You will have days and maybe sometimes weeks where you fuck up.... and sometimes fuck up royally, but here i am. I have done the fuck up, and the bad ones too. I have had my days where I have binged so much i thought I was going to puke up all of my guts. But what was different about these binges compared to the last? I made sure that I didn't beat myself up over it and start back on track the next day.
Truth:
one binge won't hurt you
you figure, there are going to be those days where you're depressed, angry, sad, excited, anxious, needy, lonely, heart broken..... it's those days when you need to remember "It's progress, not perfect" If you can have that one day where you binges and didn't beat yourself up about it afterwards but in the past you used to, that's progress. Its a long, slow, tedious, a lot of the time reallllllly annoying process. There are going to be days that you don't want to workout, there are going to be days when you want that cake, there are going to be days where you feel like you cant take it anymore so go and run for the fast food..... but remember there will be that one day where you won't need all that stuff or frankly want it for that matter.
Right now what's going on with me is I am going through a break up..... divorce actually. My ex and I had completely different ideas of what a marriage should be and I had to leave. So I am having a very hard time dealing with this, but I am taking it one day at a time. I have had my binges, today actually, but I'm not going to let that get me down, I am going to be right back on track tomorrow. So even with this horrible feeling in my heart, I still need to do what's best for myself and that's being healthy, and not fill my body with toxins and chemicals.
I am so grateful for where I am today even though I had to go through what I went through to be where I am right now. I may not have many friends but I have an amazing mother who sticks by my side through it all. I will reach my ultimate goal weight, I have about 60 more pounds to go. I have lost 100 so I can definitely do another 60. Another thing that I had to realize, was why I was doing it in the first place. I can promise you that if you lose weight for the wrong reason, you will gain it all back and plus some. I always used to think that it was bullshit but its not. It wasn't until I realized that I am an important person, and the last thing that I am going to do is put my health at risk because of someone else. I am not losing weight to be "hot" or to get a boyfriend. All that comes as a bonus. I am doing this to better myself and feel good. To be able to run around and not be in pain or feel humiliated.
I now have an appreciation for each and everyday that I am here taking a breath.
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