What is love?

Love.... always a curious thought to me.  What is it that comes to mind when someone speaks the word...

Loyalty?

Fear?

Anxiety?

Pure Joy?

Euphoria?

To me love is....

unconditional...

and to me that means accepting someone for who they are no matter what their circumstances are and accept every flaw that they have.  That you do something for that someone without expecting anything in return.  That no matter what life throws at you, you and that person can survive the storm because you both are on the same team.  Whether they are the wealthiest or end up paralyzed from the neck down, you stay by their side no matter what.  All in all, to me true love is when no matter what is going on, you and that other person stick together.

"Don't love the person whose always been there through the good times but Love the person who never left during the bad times"

"I love you, not only for what you are, But for what I am when I am with you."

"A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself - to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart."

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”

love.

back to day one

there are some days when there are bumps in the road, failures, laughs, cries, and sometimes we fall down ten flights of stairs.  God does everything for a reason.... I guess I'll find out why sometime soon

peace, love, & donuts

my diet endeavors

oh the loveliness...

So I have lost about 100 pounds.... which is amazing! It has been a struggle at times and has been beautiful too.  It has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, mainly because food is my drug of choice.  No one chooses to be over weight, huge, obese, fat, or any other term you would like to call us, because honestly if it was that easy to lose weight, everyone would be thin or healthy and there would be no tears shed.  After my father died when I was 13 that's when my food addiction began.

Yes I said it..... addicted! 

"People who are addicted to food tend to display many of the characteristics of addicts and alcoholics. Food addicts develop a physical, mental, emotional craving and chemical addiction to food." 

Ever since my food addiction began life has been hard.  I have always known that i needed to lose the weight simply because being humongous is extremely unhealthy. Not to mention that everything hurts.... from your back to your knees and your feet.  It's HORRIBLE!! My feet were always swollen and i was humiliated to go outside, then one day I looked in the mirror and could not believe how huge I had actually gotten.  I think one reason I just didnt pay attention was because food put me in a trance when I would eat.  It would put me in a different place just like alcohol or drugs would do for someone else.   My endorphins would kick in like no other!!  So the cycle would continue.... i would feel sad, depressed, anxious, or stressed.... so I would eat to sooth the feelings but then feel horrible afterwards because of what I had just done. The main feelings above all??

Guilt came from feeling like shit.... one of the worst feelings.  Fear is almost just as bad to me, I would fear what the future would bring if I kept up what i was doing, how early I would die, how I would let people down, how embarrassed I would be when I would have to tell my mom that I needed new clothes because I got too big for the ones I already had.  There are so many more that go into that that I cant even name them all.  Another thing is being humiliated walking out in public.  I was never made fun of thank god, but still that fear was always in the back of my head.  Once I started my nanny job I was able to walk outside in public and go for my walk.... why? because it looked like I was trying to lose my baby weight.  So whenever I would go walking people would always have a huge smile on their face when they would see me walk by.... that made me feel so good!!

that's when I learned to.....

When I would walk around with a smile on my face it was contagious, people all around me that i would see wouldn't bother me because when I would put a smile on my face and have good music on nothing really mattered anymore, and plus I would see others smiling too which was a joy.  Now that's just the beginning.... when I was at my top weight of humongous.

The battle? Realizing that it was going to take a long time for me to lose all of my weight, and also realize that.....

There are no secret tip, tricks, or shortcuts... At All!!


Realizing that was probably one of the hardest things of all because I wanted to take the weight off now!  It would;nt come off as quick as I wanted.... ever.  So I just had to accept the fact that this is a journey that needs to be done the right way, and what is the right way? A good diet and working my ass off
for a really long time.
What's funny is that this time has actually gone by really fast.  It has been over a year and time flew and I'm 100 pounds lighter.  I couldn't believe it!  When I first started I would have never thought that I would have made it to this point.  I have always dreamed that I would make it to a healthy weight and be able to do all those fun things that I have always wanted to do.Well now I almost can, I am one step closer to being able to go hiking in the mountains and go rock climbing.

What pulled me through??

My Strength

There was no such thing as willpower in my book, I guess I really left it up to God and put my mind in the right place.  Mind you, I am not the religious type at all, but I needed something to give my problem to because I certainly couldn't give it to anyone else.  So my quote I used to say over and over and over again....

progress not perfect is probably one of the most important things that I needed to learn.  It's so hard to realize that not everyday is going to be perfect.  You will have days and maybe sometimes weeks where you fuck up.... and sometimes fuck up royally, but here i am.  I have done the fuck up, and the bad ones too.  I have had my days where I have binged so much i thought I was going to puke up all of my guts.  But what was different about these binges compared to the last?  I made sure that I didn't beat myself up over it and start back on track the next day.

Truth:
one binge won't hurt you


you figure, there are going to be those days where you're depressed, angry, sad, excited, anxious, needy, lonely, heart broken..... it's those days when you need to remember "It's progress, not perfect"  If you can have that one day where you binges and didn't beat yourself up about it afterwards but in the past you used to, that's progress.  Its a long, slow, tedious, a lot of the time reallllllly annoying process.  There are going to be days that you don't want to workout, there are going to be days when you want that cake, there are going to be days where you feel like you cant take it anymore so go and run for the fast food..... but remember there will be that one day where you won't need all that stuff or frankly want it for that matter.

Right now what's going on with me is I am going through a break up..... divorce actually.  My ex and I had completely different ideas of what a marriage should be and I had to leave.  So I am having a very hard time dealing with this, but I am taking it one day at a time.  I have had my binges, today actually, but I'm not going to let that get me down, I am going to be right back on track tomorrow.  So even with this horrible feeling in my heart, I still need to do what's best for myself and that's being healthy, and not fill my body with toxins and chemicals.

I am so grateful for where I am today even though I had to go through what I went through to be where I am right now.  I may not have many friends but I have an amazing mother who sticks by my side through it all.  I will reach my ultimate goal weight, I have about  60 more pounds to go.  I have lost 100 so I can definitely do another 60.  Another thing that I had to realize, was why I was doing it in the first place.  I can promise you that if you lose weight for the wrong reason, you will gain it all back and plus some.  I always used to think that it was bullshit but its not.  It wasn't until I realized that I am an important person, and the last thing that I am going to do is put my health at risk because of someone else.  I am not losing weight to be "hot" or to get a boyfriend.  All that comes as a bonus.  I am doing this to better myself and feel good.  To be able to run around and not be in pain or feel humiliated.

I now have an appreciation for each and everyday that I am here taking a breath.

Trichotillomania

Trichotillomania:

compulsive hair pulling

     Trichotillomania is a rare impulse control disorder in which the sufferer compulsively pulls out his or her own hair. People with trichotillomania most commonly pull hair from their scalp, eyelashes, eyebrows, or pubic area. While most people with trichotillomania pluck each hair out at the roots, others may pull out large handfuls at a time.

     Trichotillomania usually begins in childhood or adolescence, frequently coinciding with the onset of puberty. While some children develop hair-pulling habits that subside with age, other individuals continue the behavior throughout adulthood. It is estimated that between one and three percent of Americans suffer from trichotillomania. Of those individuals, approximately 80% are women.

     The direct causes of trichotillomania are unknown; however, many people with the condition also experience similar impulse control disorders, such as skin-picking and nail-biting. In many cases, the individuals suffer from depressive disorder or obsessive-compulsive disorder as well. Some evidence suggests that trichotillomania may be genetic or the result of a chemical imbalance. Stress is also believed to play a large role, as periods of high stress have been known to heighten the condition.

     People with trichotillomania are often embarrassed or ashamed about their behavior, leading them to hide it from others. Because of this, low self-esteem is very common among sufferers. Furthermore, the compulsive removal of hair can lead to bald patches on the scalp or eyebrows, which contribute to the sufferer's embarrassment and depression.

     Embarrassing, sad, scary, but true...... this is what I suffer from and have since I was 11.  I have no idea how to stop and if people say, just stop doing it then I would never have this problem in the first place.  I also have no idea how it started or where it came from.  I don't know if anyone is going to come across this who has trich, but you are not alone. Imagine having something that you absolutely could not stop, but you couldn't tell anyone because it sounds absolutely ridiculous.  It's hard to explain to people why I can't stop. 

I guess all I can do is pray

just the beginning.

it's interesting how life can throw you one thing then have it end up being another.  it's ironic how one can tell you he loves you unconditionally, but then while he is by your side tells you that you're not good enough.  it amazes me that certain people think that they are better than everyone, when they are breathing the same air as everyone else.  can't certain people take a moment and look around them, than think that they are the world? it's crazy how one person can turn your world upside down an not think twice about how it would affect you.  it's interesting to me that this one man who claims to be better than everyone else, smarter than everyone else, can do his work better than everyone else.... loses his wife, has no job, has no friends, and lives with his parents.  how can one who claims to be so amazing go take modeling pictures while sleeping in until 11 a.m. and allow his wife to work a 60 hour week, live with him and his parents, have to share a room with his sister and have the gull to tell me I'm not doing enough.

the only one who can truly judge me is god.